I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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