Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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