The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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