I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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