You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
