my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Randomize
