My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My cat gives me a boner
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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