I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
