All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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