I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
