i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
