At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
