You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
