in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
