I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
