My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
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This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
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Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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