I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
