Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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