i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
