D3 body, D1 cock
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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