people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
