I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
