My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
