I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
