drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
