Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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