$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
