My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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Are my feet made of real feet?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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