theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
