I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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