New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
