my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
