i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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