a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
