GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
