I have demons in me.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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