Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
