i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
