I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
