I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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