Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
