My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
