I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
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