dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
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it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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