i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
