We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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