the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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