Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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