It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
pop tarts are not kleenex
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
