Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
