I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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