We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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