Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
