You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
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