My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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