i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
