I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
