a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
